12 Last-Minute Gift Ideas and Some Creative Lies to Support Your Lack of Planning

Note: Another twisted chestnut from my archival stocking, thus explaining a few of the dated references…

1. Slim Jims from the corner convenience store.

[Take cheap plastic meat out of cheap plastic packaging prior to arrival. Wrap meat in the ugly silk scarf that Cousin Edna tossed your way 20 years ago and you’ve never worn.] “This is a special friendship log that I ordered for you from Bolivia. It was hand-made by hundred-year-old nuns in a convent dedicated to the sausage-making skills of St. Felicia the Sturdy-Limbed. They have taken a vow of silence, so I don’t really know what’s in it, yet legend has it that you will now be fertile whenever fertility might be necessary. But you might want to stay away from Bolivian sacrificial ceremonies if your loins start to tingle, especially if there is an active volcano nearby.”

2. The leftover plastic cap from a…