Caregiving With Siblings: Your Questions Answered How to handle conflict while caring for aging parents Next Avenue recently asked readers to tell us the questions they’d like answered about getting along with family members while caregiving. We’re now back with two experts’ views on the top two questions; both concerned caregiving with siblings. They were: • How do you deal with siblings who don’t participate with the real work involved in caring for an elderly parent? • How do you handle conflict among siblings of aging parents when some live out of town and others nearby? Caregiving With Siblings: It’s Not Easy Even in the best of circumstances, caring for your aging parents is a tough job. And whether you are the primary caregiver or an adult child who is trying to contribute from afar, there will likely be disagreements, tension and even anger between you and your siblings. Conflicts over caregiving are “extremely common,” said Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist in suburban Philadelphia and author of AARP’s Meditations for Caregivers. But, he noted, there are ways — often, though not always — to head them off and keep family relationships intact. Don’t Expect Equality First, examine your expectations. “There are some people who believe that everyone should pitch in equally since the parent belongs equally to all of them,” Jacobs said. “Honestly, that sounds good, but that’s rarely the case.” The caregiving duties almost always fall primarily on one or two siblings’ shoulders, Jacobs said. There is often a gender bias; in fact, research shows that the most common primary caregiver is the youngest daughter, with the oldest daughter the second most common, he said. The parents’ preference also may come into play. Rather than expecting or demanding caregiving equality, assume that each of your siblings can do something — even if it’s not as much as you would like, Jacobs said. When a Sibling Lives Elsewhere The degree to which adult children assist in their parents’ care may depend on their proximity. “The people who are closest to the scene are just going to end up being more available to do some of the hands-on work — driving, picking up medications — just because they’re there,” Jacobs said. If they live farther away, adult children can still participate, he said. Unfortunately, some may try to “direct” the show from a distance, “which drives the people on the ground crazy,” he said. “Not all help is helpful.” If you are the distant sibling, Jacobs suggested, let the primary caregiver define what is most needed. Ask what you can do to make a difference. The answer may be, “Take a week’s vacation and give us respite.” Or “send money.” Or, “I’m going to send you all the insurance forms and you call the insurance company and work this out.” No One Is a Mind Reader Denise Brown, the founder of Caregiving.com, an online resource for caregivers, says a common complaint she hears from primary caregivers is they believe their siblings should intuitively know what to do to help. “I think, however, that we can’t expect people to read our minds,” Brown said. “We may look like we’ve got it all taken care of, that it’s all under control. People don’t know it’s not all under control until we say, ‘Hey, I need a break.’” And if they say “No,” look for other sources of assistance through your community, or a meal service or some paid help. Knowing When to Let It Go

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